Why the Military can’t communicate with each other. . .

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.

If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy.

One Liner
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” – Mark Twain

Thought for the day
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG).

Does life sometimes seem like an endless rat race to you? Ask God to open your eyes and help you see his purpose for your life. God, who made you, has this to say about you: “I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 TEV).

TOP TEN QUESTIONS MOST OFTEN ASKED AT A 99-CENT STORE

10. “How much is this?”

9. “Is this necklace real gold?”

8. “Do these Tampa Bay Rays sweatshirts come in medium?”

7. “So let me get this straight — everything here is 99 cents?”

6. “How much is this?”

5. “Do you have anything nicer for $1.99?”

4. “How much is this ‘Best of Ray Stevens’ CD?”

3. “Didn’t this used to be a White Castle?”

2. “Do you have change of a dollar bill?”

1. “Can someone go to the bank and get more pennies?”

One Liner
Q: What do you get when you cross an owl with a skunk?

A: A bird that smells but doesn’t give a hoot.

Thought for the day
“I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing; make something of me! You can do it; you’ve got what it takes God.” Psalm 40:17 (MSG)

When Christ comes into your life, instead of making your life more religious, he makes it more alive. He makes you more fully human and able to experience the life you were meant to live. He expands your horizons and gives you the ability to see things you’ve never seen before. You may be living a good life now, but God wants to offer you a better life.

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt.

A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.

Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs.

I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.

The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.

One Liner
Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

Thought for the day
“Since only your rules can give me wisdom and understanding, no wonder I hate every false teaching” Psalm 119:104

That’s why it is so important to study God’s Word. By knowing biblical truth, we’re able to spot false teaching.

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:

ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS;
– Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
– You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,
– Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER:
– Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
– Fits one head.

ON TIRIMISU DESERT
– Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
– Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
– Do not iron clothes on body

ON CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
– Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
– Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
– Warning: keep out of children

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
– For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
– Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY’S PEANUTS
– Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
– Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
– Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

One Liner
You haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 17:3, “Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the Lord tests the heart” (NLT).

If God’s going to use you, he’s going to test you first. He wants to be sure you’re ready to handle the power, the blessing, the influence, or whatever else he wants to give you.

A blind man sat on the steps of a public building with a hat by his feet. He had propped up a sign nearby which said, “I am blind, please help.”

There were only a few coins in the hat. A man walking by took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind man.

That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came by to see how things were doing. The blind man recognized his voice and asked, “Did you change my sign this morning?” “What did you write?”

The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.”

He had written, “Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.”

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively. When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

One Liner
You can buy friendship with friendship, but never with dollars.

Thought for the day
Matthew 24:35, “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away”

The only item on the planet that will last is the Word of God. Everything else will burn up, because truth is eternal.

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?”

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.”

“OK,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef’ …”

One Liner
“Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.'” – Andy Rooney

Thought for the day
Joshua 1:8 says, “Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful”

So according to God, you have to meditate on his Word if you want to be successful.

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, “I’ll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away.”

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened … not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, “Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?”

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn’t possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister’s wife answered, “Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to greet her.”

One Liner
There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and mom’s age.

Thought for the day
James 5:16 says, “Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed”

It doesn’t say “so that you may be forgiven” but so that you may be healed. Forgiveness comes from God. Healing comes in relationships.

A child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

One Liner
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Thought for the day
“Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” Philippians 2:4-5

That means you’re most like Jesus when you’re focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than your own hurts.

A friend bumped into his pirate buddy on the street, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I’m fine now.”

“Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the friend, “You couldn’t lose an eye just from that!”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

One Liner
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Thought for the day
1 Peter 1:2a, “Dear friends, God the Father chose you long ago and knew you would become his children”

God didn’t choose you because of something you’ve done. It’s all because of who he is. It doesn’t matter how good you are, or how smart you are, or how spiritual you are. God saved you because he loves you.