UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.  Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”

Tommy answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!”

One Liner
Definition of a committee: A group of the unworthy, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary.

Thought for the day
“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established” Proverbs 24:3

You’re wise with your money when you know where it is, where it’s going, and where it’s coming from.

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!”

One Liner
“Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.”‘

Thought for the day
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9 NIV).

Failure is never final. You’re never a failure until you quit, and it’s always too soon to quit!

EQUALITY

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.  My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”

She replied, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men.'”

One Liner
My daughter says I’m nosy. At least, that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Thought for the day
“I know that your love will last for all time, that your faithfulness is as permanent as the sky” Psalm 89:2 

There’s a limit to human love. It wears out. It dries up.  That’s why you have to have God’s love in all your relationships if they are going to last. God’s love never wears out. God’s love is patient, persistent, and persevering.

A woman invited some people from church to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you’ve heard Mommy say before,” the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

One Liner
End procrastination … tomorrow!

Thought for the day
“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?” (Luke 6:32a NIV)

His point is this: All of us can love those who love us back. Becoming a master lover means you learn to love the unlovable.

Police Report”

A motorist collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the police report were:

Q – What warning was given by you?
A – Horn.

Q – What warning was given by the other party?
A – Moo.

One Liner
“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

Thought for the day 
“Let everything you do reflect your love of the truth and the fact that you are in dead earnest about it”  Titus 2:7b

Even though you do’t understand all that is in the Bible – The truth is …. It is a map that always takes me where it promises.

“Morning Run”

The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: “Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: “Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck.”

One Liner
Two keys hang in an undertaker’s office – one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.

Two small signs above the keys read “Hymn” and “Hearse.”

Thought for the day
“Jesus told him, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me’” John 14:6

Jesus says, “I am the truth.” He doesn’t say truth is a religion, a ritual, or a set of rules and regulations. He says “I.” Truth is a person.  – Rick Warren

A bus load of politicians was traveling down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. 

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?” The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

One Liner
Resurrection life is certainly not a grave situation. Try it sometime.

Thought for the day
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” Timothy 3:16 NIV

That means the Bible isn’t just a good idea. It is God’s Word to us.  So read and mediate on it daily.

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

“It’s a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “we decided to cook our own breakfast.”

One Liner
If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?

Thought for the day
“We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19 NIV).

When you say, “I don’t love God,” it’s because you don’t understand just how much he really loves you.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: “Pete died. Boat for sale.”

One Liner
Jack O’ Lantern:
 An Irish pumpkin.

Thought for the day
“Do all your work in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14 TEV).

Not some … but all of your work should be done in love.  The point is, any job can be turned into worship when it is built on the model of Christ’s love; that love is expressed to co-workers, clients, and customers.