HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

One Liner
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Thought for the day
Noah did everything exactly as God had commanded him. Genesis 6:22 (NLT)

Noah obeyed completely (no instruction was overlooked) and he obeyed exactly (in the way and time God wanted it done). That is wholeheartedness. It is no wonder God smiled on Noah.

God doesn’t owe you an explanation or reason for everything he asks you to do. Understanding can wait, but obedience can’t. Instant obedience will teach you more about God than a lifetime of Bible discussions. In fact, you will never understand some commands until you obey them first. Obedience unlocks understanding.

Says one humorist: “Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet — I found them and five more.”

One Liner
“I’m a pretty patient person – just as long as I’m not kept waiting for anything.”

Thought for the day
“If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine” (John 8:31 NASB).

It’s the long-term commitment to learning from Jesus and his Word that makes us his disciples.

Six Days In Jail

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” she replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, “Six.”

The judge then said, “I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, “What is it?”

The husband said “She also stole a can of peas.”

One Liner
“Vacation is a two-week-long experience where money and time race against each other until both are totally exhausted.”

Thought for the day
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people. (Colossians 3:23 TEV)

No matter what you do — sweeping the streets, running a corporation, or the work of a stay-at-home mom — your job is more than a job. The Bible says that while you are here on earth, you should use your work as an act of worship.

Children’s Letters To Pastor

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete.

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every week he gives us a sermon about something. Robert.

Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty.

Dear Pastor, please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie

One Liner
A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing; disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything.

Thought for the day
So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time. Galatians 6:9 (NLT)

There are many things that work to keep us from completing our life-missions. Over the years, I’ve debated whether the worst enemy is procrastination or discouragement. If Satan can’t get us to put off our life missions, then he’ll try to get us to quit altogether.

DOGS’ LETTERS TO GOD:

Dear God,

When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

One Liner
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

Thought for the day
Wholehearted obedience is done joyfully with enthusiasm. The Bible says, “Obey him gladly” (Psalm 100:2 LB). This is the attitude of David: “Just tell me what to do and I will do it, Lord. As long as I live I’ll wholeheartedly obey” (Psalm 119:33 LB).

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting the weather for the TV news program.

He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

One Liner
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Thought for the day
James, speaking to Christians, said, “We please God by what we do and not only by what we believe” (James 2:24 CEV). God’s Word is clear that you can’t earn your salvation. It comes only by grace, not your effort. But as a child of God you can bring pleasure to your heavenly Father through obedience.

SHORT FUNNY SAYINGS

A synonym is a word you use if you can’t spell the other one.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

MONEY TALKS … but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

I’m in shape … round’s a shape isn’t it?

I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

43% of all statistics are useless.

I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dolphins: Don’t trust a species that’s always smiling, its up to something!

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

1st rule of intelligent tinkering – save all the parts.

SHIN – A device for finding furniture in the dark.

One Liner
I’ve changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

Thought for the day
Any act of obedience is also an act of worship. Why is obedience so pleasing to God? Because it proves you really love him. Jesus said, “If you love me, you will obey my commandments” (John 14:15 TEV).

My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

One Liner
Sign on the back of a motorcyclist’s tee-shirt: “If you can read this, my wife fell off!”

Thought for the day
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

“He who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which he himself must pass.” – George Herbert

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night and I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century, old man,” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPhone.”

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!

One Liner
On the Internet you can choose to be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.

Thought for the day
Double up. Get a spiritual partner to come alongside you for support and encouragement. This is someone with whom you can share what you learn in your quiet times. It could be someone in your small group, a friend, or a family member. The Bible says, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed” (Ecclesiastes 4:9 NLT).

This Is Good!

I heard the story about a king in Africa who had a close friend that he had grown up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, “This is good!”

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, “This is good!.”

To which the king replied, “No, this is NOT good!” and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb.

Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. “You were right” he said, “it was good that my thumb was blown off.” And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. “And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this.”

“No,” his friend replied, “this is good!”

“What do you mean, ‘this is good!’ How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year.”

“If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you.”

One Liner
Mark Twain warned, “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

Thought for the day
It is God himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus; and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others. Ephesians 2:10 (LB)

God calls you to a service far beyond anything you could ever imagine. You were put on earth to make a contribution.

You weren’t created just to consume resources—to eat, breath, and take up space. God designed you to make a difference with your life. You were created to add to life on earth, not just take from it. God wants you to give something back.