Tribute to March Madness!! 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’!”

One Liner
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.

Thought for the day
“God has not changed and His laws have not changed. He is still a God of love and mercy. But He is also a God of righteousness and judgment. Any individual or nation which ignores His moral and spiritual laws will ultimately face His judgment.” – Billy Graham

The English test had only one question: “Write an essay on ‘The Most Beautiful Thing I Ever Saw.'”

One of the students finished his essay in less than a minute. It read in its entirety: “The most beautiful thing I ever saw was just too beautiful for words.”

He got the only A in the class.

One Liner
What do we want?

PROCRASTINATION!

When do we want it?

Next week!

Thought for the day
We can pray that our children will BRING OTHERS TO CHRIST regularly: “I pray not only for them, but also for those who will believe in Me because of their message” (John 17:20, TEV).

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, “It’s a good thing she’s not from Idaho.”

[For those outside the US, Idaho is known for its potatoes…rimshot!]

One Liner
A long-haul trucker offered this tip for staying awake on the road: “Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window.”

Thought for the day
If God gives a man wealth and property … he should be grateful and enjoy what he has … it is a gift from God. Ecclesiastes 5:19 (GN)

Learning to be content requires that you stop any “when and then” thinking –

“When I am ___________, then I’ll be happy.”

“When I have ___________, then I’ll be happy.”

(You fill in the blanks)

A coworker told me that I looked tired.

“I am,” I said. “I just finished 50 push-ups.”

“Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?”

“Well, I did the first one in 1986.”

One Liner 
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Thought for the day
We can worry or we can worship. Strangely enough, busy people find it a whole lot easier to worry than to worship. – Jill Briscoe

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

1) Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

2) Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

3) The Nursery
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

4) Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

5) Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

6) Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

7) Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

8) Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

9) At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

10) Swallowing Coins
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

Life is Good

My face in the mirror
Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty,
The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

One Liner
A little boy was overheard praying, “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

Thought for the day
Your call to salvation included your call to service. They are the same. Regardless of your job or career, you are called to full-time Christian service. A “non-serving Christian” is a contradiction in terms.

The Bible says, “He saved us and called us to be his own people, not because of what we have done, but because of his own purpose” (2 Timothy 1:9a TEV).

A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Finally his mother asked the obvious question: “Where did you get all that money?”

“At Sunday school,” the boy replied nonchalantly. “They have bowls of it.”

One Liner
I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

Thought for the day
Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people” (Colossians 3:23 NLT). It’s easier to be enthusiastic about your job when you turn the focus of your work from “I’m doing this for my boss” or “I’m doing this for a paycheck” to “I’m doing this for the Lord.” With that in mind, you can do anything — scrape paint, wash dishes, repair a car — and turn it into worship.

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, “When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!”

“So how do you handle it?” his friend asked.

“I send him to MY room!”

One Liner
Normal people worry me.

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33, NLT). Put God first in your life, and you’ll have more time. Whatever you need more of in your life, give God first place in that area.

“Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores?
They are pale skinny people who look half-dead.

In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people.
They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.” – Bill Cosby

One Liner
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Thought for the day
God doesn’t bless dishonesty. The Bible says, “The Lord demands fairness in every business deal” (Proverbs 16:11 NLT). That includes wages, sales, and taxes.