Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, “Wait here a minute, I’ll be right back.”

He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.

The other dog says, “What was that about?”

The dog first dog says, “Oh, just checking my messages.”

One Liner
Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Thought for the day
Prayer can change things. Romans 8:32 says, “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all — how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (NIV) God solved your biggest problem — getting into Heaven — when he sent Jesus to die for you. If God loved you enough to send Jesus to die for you, don’t you think he loves you enough to take care of all these other problems?

To Err is Human; To Forgive, Divine.

To err is human; to purr, feline.

To err is human; two curs, canine.

To err is human; to do nothing, benign.

To err is human; to quit, resign.

To err is human; to howl, lupine.

To err is human; to solve, design.

To err is human; to fart, asinine.

To err is human; to moo, bovine.

To err is human; to soothe, calomine.

To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.

To err is human; to bloom, columbine.

To err is human; to prance, equine.

To err is human; to add, combine.

To err is human; to befriend, pal o’ mine.

To err is human; to woo, Valentine.

To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.

To err is human; to straighten, align.

To err is human; to drown, Clementine.

To err is human; to twist, serpentine.

To err is human; to love, sublime.

To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!

One Liner
Old is what my classmates look like.

Thought for the day
The Bible has flourished in spite of unrelenting attacks during the past 2,000 years. Jesus said in Matthew 24:35, “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away”(NIV). The only item on the planet that will last is the Word of God. Everything else will burn up, because truth is eternal.

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer.”

One Liner
“A hypocrite is someone who complains that there is too much sex and violence on his DVD.”

Thought for the day
“Christ is not one of many ways to approach God, nor is he the best of several ways; he is the only way.” – A. W. Tozer

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica.

“Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?”

“Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”

“What happened?”

“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”

“How about you?”

“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

One Liner
“If the professor on Gilligan’s Island could make a radio out of coconut, why couldn’t he fix a hole in a boat?”

Thought for the day
Be careful! Don’t make the mistake of thinking that little children are unimportant! I tell you that they have angels who are always with my Father in heaven. (Matthew 18:10 NCV)

Children matter to God. They should matter to you, too. Jesus reminds us in the book of Matthew not to “make the mistake of thinking that little children are unimportant!” (Matthew 18:20). We need to obey Jesus’ words.

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”

One Liner
“The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.”

Thought for the day
“You must put on your new nature because you are a new person, created in God’s likeness—righteous, holy, and true.” (Ephesians 4:24)

When God wants to remove the defects in your life, he doesn’t just snap his fingers so that it happens instantly. He does it incrementally. You’ve heard me say this before: When God wants to make a mushroom, he takes six hours, but when God wants to make an oak tree, he takes 60 years.

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

One Liner
“Today, I diversified my portfolio – I buried half in a Folgers can in the front yard and the rest in a Ziplock out back.”

Thought for today
I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless—like chasing the wind. What is wrong cannot be made right. What is missing cannot be recovered. (Ecclesiastes 1:14-15 NLT, second edition)

We set expectations for what our lives should look like and then stress out when we aren’t as successful as we think we should be.

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

“Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.

“My mother? How could she do that? She’s on vacation on the other side of the world!” the man said.

“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.”

“And?”

“At the end of the letter she wrote:

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.”

One Liner
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey

Thought for the day
“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death.” Romans 8:1-2 (NLT)

Shame is a destructive emotion. It is a form of condemnation that can rob you of happiness in life and tear you down.

God doesn’t want you to go through life with a load of guilt and shame. That’s why he sent Jesus Christ to set you free.

Jesus won the victory for you through his death and resurrection, so if you want to live a life free of shame, you need to remind yourself daily of what Jesus did for you.

The lady woke her husband up one Sunday morning. “Come on, time to get ready for church.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes you do.”

“I just want to sleep in for ONE Sunday, PLEASE.”

“No. You can sleep in tomorrow.”

“Why do I HAVE to get up and go to church EVERY Sunday?”

“Well, you’re the pastor.”

One Liner
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Thought for the day
“Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, ‘We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.'” (Numbers 13:30 NIV)

God wants you confident in the truth that, through him, all things are possible.

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.

Turning to a co-worker he said, “I wonder how long he’s been waiting to cross?”

One Liner
Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.

Thought for the day
God deeply desires that we know him intimately. In fact, he planned the universe and orchestrated history, including the details of our lives, so that we could become his friends. The Bible says, “He made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him” (Acts 17:26–27 MSG).

Jimmy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Jimmy answered.

“I’d like to talk to your mother or father,” said the teacher.

“Sorry, but they ain’t here,” he told her.

“Jimmy!” she said, “what is it with your grammar?”

“Beats me,” Jimmy replied, “but dad sure was mad that they had t’go bail her out again!”

One Liner
The greatest of all faults is to imagine you have none.

Thought for the day
Know whom you want to please (John 5:30) — Jesus never let the fear of rejection manipulate him. No one can pressure you without your permission. You can’t please everyone; even God can’t!

Know what goals you need to reach (John 8:14) — Jesus said, “I know where I came from and where I am going.” Preparation prevents pressure, but procrastination produces it. You work by either priorities or pressures.