One day a man went to an auction and he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer, “he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

One Liner
Of course I’m interested in the future. I intend to spend the rest of my life there.

Thought for the day
How you can know that you’ve been effectively putting God’s Word into practice –
You’ll have a controlled mouth: “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless” James 1:26 NIV

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not?” he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

She says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

He insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”

One Liner
Money talks…but all mine ever says is goodbye.

Thought for the day
During every moment of your life, from the very best to the very worst, God is with you. He cares for you. You will never walk through something hard alone. In fact, God is never closer than when you are in pain.

He tells you, “When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up—the flames will not consume you” Isaiah 43:2 TLB

11 Lessons from Noah’s Ark

One: Don’t miss the boat.

Two: Better listen to God, rather then men!

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

One Liner
In line at the bookstore, I couldn’t help noticing the two bestsellers the person in front of me was prepared to purchase:

“Conversations With God” and “How to Argue and Win Everytime.”

Thought for the day
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

What is the antidote to the poison of bitterness? Forgiveness. Paul tells you to follow the example of God, who forgives you in Christ.

WHO’S WHO????

~ A programmer solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

~ An auditor arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

~ A banker ends you their umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

~ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

~ A statistician is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

~ A mathematician is a blind person in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.

~ A lawyer writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.”

~ A psychologist watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

~ A professor talks in someone else’s sleep.

~ A consultant takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

~ A diplomat can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

One Liner
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

Thought for the day
During every moment of your life, from the very best to the very worst, God is with you. He cares for you. You will never walk through something hard alone. In fact, God is never closer than when you are in pain.

He tells you, “When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up—the flames will not consume you” Isaiah 43:2 TLB

FUNNY COP QUOTES

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“And if you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. Well, I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you ANOTHER ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster.”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?”

One Liner
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Thought for the day
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV

What’s enslaving you today? Whatever it is, you don’t have to put up with it. God sent Jesus Christ to earth to die for your sins and provide a better way of living. That’s real freedom. That’s the Good News.

A first-time prisoner is placed in his cell with a cellmate. Before long it is time for “lights out” and the cell-block becomes dark nearly silent.

Eventually, a voice from across the cell-block cries out “twenty-two!” and everyone breaks out into loud and prolonged laughter. A little while later another voice calls out “forty-one!” and again the entire cell-block enjoys a hearty laugh.

The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what this is all about. The cellmate replies that they have been in prison so long that rather than tell the same jokes over and over, they have assigned numbers to them as a more efficient way to tell jokes. The new prisoner asks if he could give it a try. His cellmate says “Sure, why not tell number eighteen!”

No response whatsoever…..not even a snicker! The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what went wrong.

The cellmate replies, “Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke!”

One Liner
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

Thought for the day
1 Corinthians 15:17-20: “If Christ has not been raised, then your faith is useless and you are still guilty of your sins. In that case, all who have died believing in Christ are lost! And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world”

I know for an absolute certainty that I’ll spend eternity in heaven. I can have this hope because Jesus has forgiven every sin I’ve ever committed and every sin I will commit in the future.

Because Jesus has paid for my sin, I no longer have to worry about what happens to me when I die. And the same can be true for you.

Last week a little girl came home from school and approached her mother: “Mom, some of the kids at school today said that you were the Easter Bunny. Is that true?”

The mom kneeled down by her daughter and said, “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes” the girl replied.

The mother sighed, thinking of the end of the innocence of childhood, “Yes, dear, I am the Easter Bunny.”

The little girl looked at her in amazement, “How do you get to ALL of those houses???”

One Liner
When you flee temptation, be sure you don’t leave a forwarding address.

Thought for the day
“Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ” Philippians 3:8 NLT

You’re never going to become a friend of God in your spare time. You have to make knowing God your number one priority in life.

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, “We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank goodness,” replied the taxpayer. “I thought you were going to want cash.”

One Liner
It sure was a lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

Thought for the day
“One person dies in full vigor, completely secure and at ease . . . Another dies in bitterness of soul, never having enjoyed anything good” Job 21:23, 25 NIV

You have a choice. You can hold on to unforgiveness and bitterness, or you can experience the life God is calling you to live.You can’t have both.

You may think the person who hurt you doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. You’re right—but you don’t deserve forgiveness, either.

QUIZ: Reading them slowly may help.

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

Answer: Johnny, of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

One Liner
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

Thought for the day
The Bible says it like this: “I have gained perfect freedom by following your teachings” Psalm 119:45 CEV

Freedom comes when you look to God for approval and not anyone else. You don’t need to earn his love. You don’t need to be perfect to please him. You can’t buy his approval or fake your way to it.

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not very good at counting money and adding up figures.
“Where did you get your finance education?” he asked.
“Yale,” replied the lad.
“Oh, that’s quite impressive. And what’s your name?” barked the manager.
“Yim Yohnston,” he replied.

One Liner
The minister announced the cost to attend a special social event would be six dollars per person. “However, if you’re over 65,” he said, ” the price will be only $5.50.”
From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give you my age information for only 50 cents?”

Thought for the day
Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride leads to destruction; a proud attitude brings ruin” (NCV). I love this verse in the Message paraphrase: “First pride, then the crash—the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.”

Pride destroys relationships, but humility is the antidote to pride. Humility builds relationships.