A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, “We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank goodness,” replied the taxpayer. “I thought you were going to want cash.”

One Liner
It sure was a lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

Thought for the day
“One person dies in full vigor, completely secure and at ease . . . Another dies in bitterness of soul, never having enjoyed anything good” Job 21:23, 25 NIV

You have a choice. You can hold on to unforgiveness and bitterness, or you can experience the life God is calling you to live.You can’t have both.

You may think the person who hurt you doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. You’re right—but you don’t deserve forgiveness, either.

QUIZ: Reading them slowly may help.

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

Answer: Johnny, of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

One Liner
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

Thought for the day
The Bible says it like this: “I have gained perfect freedom by following your teachings” Psalm 119:45 CEV

Freedom comes when you look to God for approval and not anyone else. You don’t need to earn his love. You don’t need to be perfect to please him. You can’t buy his approval or fake your way to it.

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not very good at counting money and adding up figures.
“Where did you get your finance education?” he asked.
“Yale,” replied the lad.
“Oh, that’s quite impressive. And what’s your name?” barked the manager.
“Yim Yohnston,” he replied.

One Liner
The minister announced the cost to attend a special social event would be six dollars per person. “However, if you’re over 65,” he said, ” the price will be only $5.50.”
From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give you my age information for only 50 cents?”

Thought for the day
Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride leads to destruction; a proud attitude brings ruin” (NCV). I love this verse in the Message paraphrase: “First pride, then the crash—the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.”

Pride destroys relationships, but humility is the antidote to pride. Humility builds relationships.

Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the pearly gates: “For Service Ring Bell.”

Away he goes but barely gets started when BING! The bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one’s there. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! The bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one’s there. A little annoyed, Peter goes back to work. Suddenly, BING! The bell rings again. Peter goes back; again, no one’s there.

“Okay, that’s it,” Peter says. “I’m going to hide and watch to see what’s going on.” So Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

Peter jumps out and yells, “Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?”

“Yes, that’s me,” the little old man says.

“Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?” Peter asks.

“I can’t help it — they keep resuscitating me!” he replies.

One Liner
Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food?

Thought for the day
“The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life” (Galatians 6:7-8 The Message).

Selfishness destroys relationships. It is the number one cause of conflict, arguments, divorce, and even war.

Selflessness brings out the best in others. It builds trust in relationships. In fact, if you start acting selfless in a relationship, it forces the other person to change, because you’re not the same person anymore, and they have to relate to you in different way.

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

One Liner
Business conventions prove just how many people a company can do without.

Thought for the day
“There is now no condemnation awaiting those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit—and this power is mine through Christ Jesus—has freed me from the vicious circle of sin and death” Romans 8:1-2 TLB

When you come to Christ, your sins aren’t just forgiven. They’re wiped out! God has no record of your sins anymore!!

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.

That night the pastor’s phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, “Pastor, I can’t sleep.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” he comforted her. “But what can I do about it?” the pastor asked.

She sweetly replied, “Preach to me a while, pastor.”

One Liner
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Thought for the day
“But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” Matthew 6:15 NIV

Forgiveness isn’t easy. It can be one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make.

But you’ll never have the life God wants for you unless you can forgive the people who have hurt you.

A Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine.

The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, “Say, how much land you think you got here?”

Mainer: ‘Bout 10 acres I’d say.”

Texan (boasting): “Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!”

Mainer: “Yep, I got one of them trucks, too.”

One Liner
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Thought for the day
Psalm 37:7 NLT says, “Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act” .  God wants you to wait patiently for him to answer your prayer.

A guy goes into a fancy lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar, but the bouncer tells him he needs a necktie to get in.

The guy doesn’t have a necktie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jumper cables. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the lounge.  The bouncer looks him up and down and then says, “Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don’t start anything.”

One Liner
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.

Thought for the day
Hebrews 12:1 NLT says, “Let us strip off every weight that slows us down”

Weights aren’t bad. They’re not sinful. They’re just unnecessary. It could be a job, a relationship, or a hobby. It’s something that slows you down from what God wants from your life. And it’s not worth it.

Smoky, our family cat, had gotten injured and needed to stay at the vet clinic for several days. Our three children were so concerned that several times a day, my wife and I had to reassure them that Smoky was safe and being cared for by the “animal doctor.”

Finally, we got the call that Smoky was ready to come home. Driving to the vet, it became clear that our four-year-old son, Ryan, had been doing a lot of thinking about Smoky’s absence when he asked, “Mom, what kind of animal is the doctor?”

One Liner
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Thought for the day
Practice the presence of Jesus. When you become aware of God’s presence in your life, fear will go away.

When God is near, you lose your fear. Why? Because God is love, and the Bible says: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out all fear” 1 John 4:18 NIV  The more you feel loved by God, the less you’ll fear.