He: “This article says women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words.”

She: “That’s probably because a woman has to say everything twice.”

He: “…What?”

One Liner
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Thought for the day
John 13:17, Jesus tells his followers: “Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them”. The blessings of the Bible come when you put its teachings into practice.

A man who hadn’t attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, “How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!”

“Well, Preacher,” said the fisherman, “Quite honestly, it’s a matter of choice. I’d much rather hear your sermon than hers.”

One Liner
Did you hear about that study that says obesity might be caused by a virus? Tomorrow I think I’ll stay home from work and just call in fat.

Thought for the day
How you can know that you’ve been effectively putting God’s Word into practice —
You’ll have a caring heart: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress” James 1:27 NIV

One day a man went to an auction and he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer, “he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

One Liner
Of course I’m interested in the future. I intend to spend the rest of my life there.

Thought for the day
How you can know that you’ve been effectively putting God’s Word into practice –
You’ll have a controlled mouth: “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless” James 1:26 NIV

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not?” he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

She says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

He insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”

One Liner
Money talks…but all mine ever says is goodbye.

Thought for the day
During every moment of your life, from the very best to the very worst, God is with you. He cares for you. You will never walk through something hard alone. In fact, God is never closer than when you are in pain.

He tells you, “When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up—the flames will not consume you” Isaiah 43:2 TLB

11 Lessons from Noah’s Ark

One: Don’t miss the boat.

Two: Better listen to God, rather then men!

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

One Liner
In line at the bookstore, I couldn’t help noticing the two bestsellers the person in front of me was prepared to purchase:

“Conversations With God” and “How to Argue and Win Everytime.”

Thought for the day
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

What is the antidote to the poison of bitterness? Forgiveness. Paul tells you to follow the example of God, who forgives you in Christ.

WHO’S WHO????

~ A programmer solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

~ An auditor arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

~ A banker ends you their umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

~ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

~ A statistician is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

~ A mathematician is a blind person in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.

~ A lawyer writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.”

~ A psychologist watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

~ A professor talks in someone else’s sleep.

~ A consultant takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

~ A diplomat can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

One Liner
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

Thought for the day
During every moment of your life, from the very best to the very worst, God is with you. He cares for you. You will never walk through something hard alone. In fact, God is never closer than when you are in pain.

He tells you, “When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up—the flames will not consume you” Isaiah 43:2 TLB

FUNNY COP QUOTES

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“And if you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. Well, I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you ANOTHER ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster.”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?”

One Liner
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Thought for the day
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV

What’s enslaving you today? Whatever it is, you don’t have to put up with it. God sent Jesus Christ to earth to die for your sins and provide a better way of living. That’s real freedom. That’s the Good News.

A first-time prisoner is placed in his cell with a cellmate. Before long it is time for “lights out” and the cell-block becomes dark nearly silent.

Eventually, a voice from across the cell-block cries out “twenty-two!” and everyone breaks out into loud and prolonged laughter. A little while later another voice calls out “forty-one!” and again the entire cell-block enjoys a hearty laugh.

The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what this is all about. The cellmate replies that they have been in prison so long that rather than tell the same jokes over and over, they have assigned numbers to them as a more efficient way to tell jokes. The new prisoner asks if he could give it a try. His cellmate says “Sure, why not tell number eighteen!”

No response whatsoever…..not even a snicker! The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what went wrong.

The cellmate replies, “Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke!”

One Liner
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

Thought for the day
1 Corinthians 15:17-20: “If Christ has not been raised, then your faith is useless and you are still guilty of your sins. In that case, all who have died believing in Christ are lost! And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world”

I know for an absolute certainty that I’ll spend eternity in heaven. I can have this hope because Jesus has forgiven every sin I’ve ever committed and every sin I will commit in the future.

Because Jesus has paid for my sin, I no longer have to worry about what happens to me when I die. And the same can be true for you.

Last week a little girl came home from school and approached her mother: “Mom, some of the kids at school today said that you were the Easter Bunny. Is that true?”

The mom kneeled down by her daughter and said, “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes” the girl replied.

The mother sighed, thinking of the end of the innocence of childhood, “Yes, dear, I am the Easter Bunny.”

The little girl looked at her in amazement, “How do you get to ALL of those houses???”

One Liner
When you flee temptation, be sure you don’t leave a forwarding address.

Thought for the day
“Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ” Philippians 3:8 NLT

You’re never going to become a friend of God in your spare time. You have to make knowing God your number one priority in life.