My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon when he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.

She replied, “It’s about time! I pressed the F1 key over twenty minutes ago!”

(F1 key is for help!!)

One Liner
Drape Pun …. So grateful somebody invented window blinds or it would be curtains for all of us!

Thought for the day
 “We know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans” Romans 8:28 TLB

The Bible says “all that happens” fits into God’s good plan—not just the good stuff. He can and will bring good out of anything.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s our name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”

One Liner
The solution makes the problem more difficult.

Thought for the day
“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them . . . There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear”  1 John 4:16, 18 NIV

When you invite God into the front door of your life, fear goes out the back door. Love and fear can’t stay together. In real love, there is no fear.

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man’s man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate = ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumph. One of them asked the Captain, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?”

The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”

All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man’s man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants!”

One Liner
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Thought for the day
“That Sunday evening the disciples were meeting behind locked doors because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders. Suddenly, Jesus was standing there among them! ‘Peace be with you,’ he said”  John 20:19 NLT

Notice that they locked the doors because they were afraid. That’s what fear does. It locks you out of all the doors God wants you to go through.

Since our Information Technology expenditures have risen dramatically, the corporate office has defined a low-cost alternative to computers. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by June 2017. Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q:   My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I turn my Etch-A~Sketch off?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I create a New Document window?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A:   Don’t shake it.

One Liner
My friend got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

Thought for the day
“Godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it”  1 Timothy 6:6-7 NIV

When you learn to be content, you are believing that God knows what you need better than you do and trusting that he will give you the necessary wisdom to make good financial decisions.

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

One Liner
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

Thought for the day
“No one can serve two masters . . . You cannot serve both God and money” Luke 16:13 NIV

You’ve got to decide whom or what you’re going to serve, and your giving will reflect your decision. If God is Lord of your life, then he should be Lord of your wallet, too.

At the end of their date, a young man takes the girl back to her home. He decides to try for that first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”

Embarrassed, she replies, “Oh, I couldn’t do that. My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us.”

“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”

“No. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“NO, no. I just can’t.”

“Pleeeeease?…”

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

One Liner
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn’t enough anxiety in my life.

Thought for the day
“Being cheerful keeps you healthy” Proverbs 17:22 GNT

Laughter increases the number of T-cells in your body, which raises your immunity and releases endorphins in your brain. Laughter is good for your health! It’s God’s gift to you that doesn’t just make you enjoy life more; it also helps you love others well.

A fellow decided to buy his girl some perfume for Valentine’s day, so he went to the cosmetic counter in his girl’s favorite store. The prices were horrific! No matter what the sales lady showed him, even the tiniest bottles were beyond his budget.

Finally, he asked her: “Can you show me something really cheap?”

She handed him a mirror.

One Liner
Since 2/22/22 falls on a Tuesday, we’ll just call it “2’s Day.”

Thought for the day
“God has bought you with a great price. So use every part of your body to give glory back to God”  1 Corinthians 6:20 TLB

To overcome fatigue, you must commit to regular exercise. Study after study shows that exercise doesn’t deplete your energy. It actually increases your energy.

Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, “Why are you home from school so early?”

Johnny said, “They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question.”

“Oh, really? What was the question?” his mother asked.

“Who threw the eraser at the teacher?”

One Liner
Taxidermists are demanding the right to bear bare bear arms.

Thought for the day
“You made my body, Lord; now give me sense to heed your laws” Psalm 119:73 TLB

God provides wonderful delights for us to enjoy and savor. We are meant to enjoy food! But he has also given us wisdom to know what and how much is good to put in our body—and what is not. We just need to do it.

AMISH VIRUS ALERT!!!
You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files and post your name, mother’s maiden name, and social security number at sites all across the Internet. Thank thee.

One Liner
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Thought for the day
“Not a single one of all the good promises the Lord had given to the family of Israel was left unfulfilled; everything he had spoken came true” Joshua 21:45 NLT

When you can’t count on anything else, you can count on the promises of God.