On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they’d give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said,

“If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who’d like to volunteer, please step forward…”

One Liner
“Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that  . . .’This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.'”

Thought for the day
“I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us” Romans 8:38-39 The Message

No matter what you’re going through, God and his love are right there with you.

That truth offers stability in any storm.

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school.”

“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

One Liner
Parental Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from the children.

Thought for the day
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me” Psalm 23:4 NIV

God’s presence is the greatest anchor in any situation.

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”

The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”

“A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

One Liner
Don’t trust anyone over 30 who used to say, “Don’t trust anyone over 30.”

Thought for the day
‘Master,’ Simon replied, ‘we worked hard all last night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again’” Luke 5:5 NLT

Simon Peter did what Jesus told him to do. He didn’t do it because it was a smart or popular idea. He did it because God said to do it. He didn’t argue or hesitate.

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This “Fire Help.” Me Groog.

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh.

You hit them together?

Ugh.

What happen?

Fire not work.

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing.

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto’s cave*

One Liner
I’ve been counting calories for six months now. I don’t know about my figure, but my arithmetic’s improving.

Thought for the day
“‘Master,’ Simon replied, ‘we worked hard all last night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again’” Luke 5:5 NLT

We all suffer setbacks at work from time to time. But sometimes the simplest step from setback to comeback is just two words: Obey God.

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  One little boy seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down holding his side and asked, “Kevin, what is the matter? Are you feeling ill?”

Little Kevin responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m about to have a wife.”

One Liner
My sister didn’t believe that I could build a car out of spaghetti …. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

Thought for the day
“Remember the wondrous works that he has done, his miracles and the judgments he uttered.” 1 Chronicles 16:12 ESV

David was singing. He had just defeated the Philistines and brought the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem where it belonged.  He was rejoicing and worshiping as he remembered.

Imagine this scene: God sitting on His thrown. A man standing in front of him next to scores of blackboards, whiteboards, electronic displays, and the like.  God is looking at the man with a very bored expression on His face.

He addresses the man, “Okay, I said you could have all the time you needed to make your point. Time is nothing to me here. But explain to me once again how your presentation proves I don’t exist!”

One Liner
Vegetarian: Native American word meaning “lousy hunter.”

Thought for the day
“There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake” Ecclesiastes 7:20 GNT

We’ve all made mistakes. It’s not just a “you problem”; it’s a human problem.

Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”

I replied: “You really want to know?”

Then I dropped out of the race.

One Liner
There would be less childhood inactivity if children had to chop wood to keep their smart phones going.

Thought for the day
“Be careful that no one fails to receive God’s grace” Hebrews 12:15 NCV

You need grace. We all do!  Only when we let go of the fear of failure will it let go of its maddening grip on our lives. Once that happens, we can fully accept the grace of God.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.

My boss asked, “What companies?”

Gas, water and electricity.

[forwarded by Jim Moss]

One Liner
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Thought for the day
“For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ” John 1:17 NLT

God’s grace is entirely wrapped up in a person: Jesus. You can’t get it through religion or ritual. You can’t get it by following the rules.  You get it through Jesus.  God’s grace is free. You simply need to accept it.

MURPHY’s TECHNOLOGY LAWS

Murphy’s Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy’s Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy’s Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy’s Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy’s Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy’s Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy’s Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.

One Liner
If a gang of robbers dove into a swimming pool, would that cause a crime wave?

Thought for the day
“Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? . . . So let people see God in and through your body” 1 Corinthians 6:20 The Message

You can’t really understand the grace of God and the price he paid to make it available to you while living how you want to live, ignoring the commands of Jesus, or wasting your life on things that don’t matter.

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
~ A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
~ If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
~ A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
~ Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
~ A clean kitchen is a sign of a misspent life.
~ Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
~ Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
~ My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

One Liner
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

Thoughts for the day
“And Jesus said to him, ‘Go; your faith has made you well.’ Immediately he regained his sight and began following Him on the road” Mark 10:52 NASB

I don’t know what step you need to take next, but I do know that you need to take it.