A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“Okay, you’re up,” the genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

One Liner
You’re not fat, you’re just…easier to see.

Thought for the day
You’re going to make a lot of mistakes between now and when you get to heaven, and you’re going to need God’s mercy. But you cannot receive what you are unwilling to give. James 2:13 NCV says, “You must show mercy to others, or God will not show mercy to you when he judges you. But the person who shows mercy can stand without fear at the judgment”

A man decided to try skydiving. The instructor was telling the class that the main chute should be deployed at 500 feet. If that didn’t work be sure to open the backup chute by 400 feet.

One student asked “How long do you have if neither chute works before you land?”

The instructor replied, “The rest of your life.”

One Liner
Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.

Thought for the day
Jesus says in Matthew 5:7, “God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy” NLT

In other words, what you give, you’re going to get. You’ve got to learn to be a minister of mercy if you want God’s blessing on your life.

One day in the army I was assigned KP (kitchen) duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight’s dinner. I told him I didn’t know how to make soup. He quickly handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.

Soon after I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.

Instead the sergeant said, “This tastes really good…are you sure you followed the recipe?”

One Liner
Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?

Thought for the day
“Stand firm against [Satan], and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are” 1 Peter 5:9 NLT

This is important to remember as you face opposition. If other people’s opinions matter more to you than God’s opinion, then you’re going to crumble when those people attack you because of your faith in Jesus. But if you focus on God and what you know is right, then you can make a firm stand.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!”

One Liner
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthly

Thought for the day
“It is no shame to suffer for being a Christian. Praise God for the privilege of being called by his name!” 1 Peter 4:16 NLT

You should never be embarrassed for standing for the truth and doing what’s right.

In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.

This was too much for the boy, who said, “It’s no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”

One Liner
Jury: Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Thought for the day
Romans 3:20 says, “No one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows us how sinful we are” (NLT).

The only people who think they can keep God’s laws are those that don’t know them, because God’s laws are perfect, and none of us are perfect. We cannot be made right on our own.

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with “Amen” or “That’s right, preacher” he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with “Amen, Pharaoh!” The guest minister wasn’t sure what that meant, but after several more “Amen, Pharaohs” he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.

After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, “What exactly did you mean when you said “Amen, Pharaoh?”

His host replied, “I was telling you to let my people go!”

One Liner
4 out of 5 of the voices in my head tell me to go back to sleep.

Thought for the day
“We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others” Romans 15:2b TLB

Listening is probably the most important skill in building friendships and relationships, because you can’t love people without listening to them

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

“We don’t do that anymore,” the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. “The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough.”

“How do you know that?” I asked.

“Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?” she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

One Liner
She ran the gamut of emotions – from A to B.

Thought for the day
“For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them”  2 Timothy 1:7 TLB

You know you’re filled with God’s Spirit when you’re more courageous in your relationships. You love people. You enjoy being with them. You’re not afraid of them because God’s Spirit is in your life.

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they’d leave.

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.

“This I’ve got to see,” I thought.

They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

One Liner
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Thought for the day
“But if we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other. Then the blood of Jesus, God’s Son, cleanses us from every sin. If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth is not in us”  1 John 1:7-8 NCV

The world thinks intimacy occurs in the dark, but God says it happens in the light. We tend to use darkness to hide our hurts, faults, fears, failures and flaws. But in the light, we bring them all out into the open and admit who we really are.