Thanksgiving Dinner on the Run
A woman called the Butterball Turkey Hotline to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey.  To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed.  The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”

One Liner
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Thought for the day
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns” (Philippians 1:6 NLT).

It takes years for us to grow to adulthood, and it takes a full season for fruit to mature and ripen. The same is true for the fruit of the Spirit. The development of Christlike character cannot be rushed. Spiritual growth, like physical growth, takes time.

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.  Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!!  Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.”

“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?

One Liner
I have something to say, but I don’t know what.

Thought for the day
“When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—the moon and the stars you set in place—what are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them? . . . O LORD, our Lord, your majestic name fills the earth!” (Psalm 8:3-4, 9 NLT).

There’s an old rhyme that says, “Two men looked out from prison bars. One saw mud, the other saw stars.” In other words, one inmate looked down in despair, but the other one looked up in hope.

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the legs for dinner and there were never enough for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together: “Well I finally did it. I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!”

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

“I don’t know” said the farmer. “I could never catch the dang thing!”

One Liner
He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death”

You don’t have to accept everything you feel, because not everything you feel is right or authentic or will lead you in the right direction.

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a
large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in
amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran
right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines,
the coach shouted, “You’re terrific! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to
it that you get a huge bonus.”

“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season
go past Thanksgiving Day?”

One Liner
If I was a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right
now.

Thought for the day
“I have made up my mind to obey your laws forever, no matter what” Psalm 119:112 CEV

The reason why most people are ineffective in life is that they’ve never learned how to fight the battle of the mind.  You have a choice. Your mind has to listen to you. God didn’t give you just a mind. He gave you a will! The best time to win the battle with temptation is before it begins.

The interviewer greets the next applicant for the job of night watchman.

His first question is: “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?”

The applicant replies, “The slightest noise wakes me up.”

One Liner
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Thought for the day
“Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts” Proverbs 4:23 GNT

God is far more interested in changing your mind than changing your circumstances.

An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later.

“How is it?” he asked entering the house.

“Not so bad,” replied the home owner. “While we were waiting for you to arrive, I taught my wife how to swim.”

One Liner
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Thought for the day
Mark 2:27, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath”

God created this idea of you taking a day off every seven days for rest, recreation, worship, and restoration. It’s his idea, and it’s for your own benefit so you don’t burn out.

HAVE YOU BEEN HERE…?

I’ve been in many places, but I’ve never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family, and boss.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country that was in. It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

One Liner
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Thought for the day
The Bible says that to be spiritually mature, you have to set your goals and move toward them as you keep your eyes focused on them.

“I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize . . . I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done. All of us who are mature should think in this same way”  Philippians 3:12, 14-15 CEV

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer replies, “In the region of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer enquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

One Liner
How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Thought for the day
I don’t know what burden you’re carrying. I don’t know what’s weighing you down. But I do know the answer to your trouble.

Jesus says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” Matthew 11:28-30 RSV

Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old fellow who always prayed, “Lord, prop us up on our leanin’ side.” After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.

He answered, “Well sir, you see, it’s like this…I got an old barn out back. It’s been there a long time; it’s withstood a lot of weather; it’s gone through a lot of storms, and it’s stood for many years. It’s still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn’t fall. Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn. I’ve been around a long time. I’ve withstood a lot of life’s storms. I’ve withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I’ve withstood a lot of hard times, and I’m still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, ’cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning at times. Sometimes we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn’t . So we need to pray, ‘Lord
, prop us up on our leanin’ side,’ so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord.”

One Liner
Sometimes, the only thing worse than having unanswered prayer is answered prayer.

Thought for the day
“I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters, that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News” (Philippians 1:12 NLT).

No matter what’s going on in your life—the good, the bad, and the ugly—God is working out a plan.

While hiking in the country, Susan and her friend Eve spotted a huge bed of
mushrooms that they knew were edible. They gathered a large basketful and
sauteed them that night. Susan’s husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking
they might be poisonous. Two weeks later, Eve and Susan gathered some more
mushrooms. This time, Phil joined them.

“How is it that you’re eating these mushrooms tonight,” Susan asked, “when
you wouldn’t touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago? What changed your
mind?”

“I thought about it,” Phil explained seriously, “and I figured it would be
better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women
in my home.”

One Liner
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target and, long story short, I’m
covering for Debbie this weekend.

Thought for the day
“Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my life as a ransom for many” Matthew 20:28 TLB

Next time you read about the life of Jesus in the Bible, notice how he dealt with others. Watch how he always put others before himself. When you imitate his attitude, you live your life not for your benefit but for the benefit of others. Jesus consistently showed this throughout the Gospels.