WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR ROOMMATE DURING CHRISTMAS

~ Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder.

~ Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.

~ Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games.

~ Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (e.g., “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.”)

~ Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front teeth…”

~ Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

~ Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”

~ Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”

One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Thought for the day
“Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom” Proverbs 3:7a

Why? Because God is God, and you’re not.

Q:  What do we have in December that we don’t have in any other month?

A:  The letter “D”!

Q:  What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A:  Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

One Liner
We had cured ham for Christmas dinner.  We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

Thought for the day
 “Hard work is worthwhile, but empty talk will make you poor” Proverbs 14:23

God’s warning for talkers is this: You also have to act.

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10.  A car wash kit

9.  A table saw

8.  Two all-day passes to Best Buy’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar

7.  A case of oil

6.  Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5.  Custom engraved bowling ball

4.  New outboard motor for fishing boat

3.  Rambo Trilogy on DVD

2.  New satellite dish with sports package

1.  Three-year membership to Weight Watchers Clinic

One Liner
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

Thought for the day
“You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength” Mark 12:30

Another way to say this is, love God with all your talk, all your feelings, all your thinking, and all of your acting. God shaped you to primarily be a talker, feeler, thinker, or a doer.

Pet Pet-Peeves

1. Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”

2. Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”

3. Cat: “Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it’s curtains.”

4. Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease — but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?”

5. Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”

6. Dog: “What the … HEY!!! I didn’t even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!”

7. Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There’s* a new one!”

One Liner
Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open Windows.

Thought for the day
Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (NIV).

This is the law of the harvest: There is always a delay between sowing and reaping. You plant in one season, and you reap in another. God wants to see if you’re going to keep cultivating, planting, and sowing. If he sees consistency in your life, then the harvest will come.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2018 WHEN…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

One Liner
If you think you know something, find someone who disagrees and listen to them.

Thought for the day
“God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20 NCV).

When we want God to answer our prayers, we must be willing to not only let God answer whenever he thinks is best but also however he thinks is best. God’s ways are always better and bigger and higher.

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

One Liner
Every baseball team could use a man who plays every position perfectly, never strikes out and never makes an error. The trouble is, there’s no way to make him lay down his hot dog and come down out of the stands.

Thought for the day
“It is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13 NIV).

When we want God’s direction for our lives, we should get our desires out of the way so that we can honestly say, “God, I’m willing to go either way — whatever you want is what I want.”

Football is a dangerous sport and players can be hurt while playing. That happened to a friend of mine in a college game who was hit pretty hard on one play.

The doctor came onto the field while we all stood around him, waiting to learn how badly he was hurt. In order to do that the doctor asked my friend a few questions as he lay on the field.

“What’s three plus three?” the doctor asked him.

“Seven,” my friend said.

“What’s the capital of the United States?”

“Alabama.”

“Which state is farther east, California or Florida?”

“California.”

At this point, the doctor thought that my friend was confused and probably had suffered a brain concussion so he told the coach to take him out of the game.

But I quickly spoke up. “Don’t do that, Doc. Let him play. He’s alright. He didn’t know that stuff even before he was hit.”

One Liner
“Hocus Pocus” doesn’t work anymore; I think they changed the password.

Thought for the day
Radical gratitude looks like this: “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV).

A DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING POEM

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of….. Black November;
“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three.
“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
and you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;
“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald ‘n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink;
“And then comes the worst part” he said not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing.”
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said “Christmas is coming…”

One Liner
What did the turkey say to the computer?
Google, google, google

Thought for the day
“Jesus [said] … ‘I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of’” John 10:10

Jesus did not come to make life perfect for us. Rather, he came to give us a life connected to him, so that no matter what situation we face, we are eternally attached to the source of true life.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation!
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees …

HAPPY EATING TO ALL,
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!

One Liner
If I was a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

Thought for the day
“Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” Mark 11:24

God’s timing is perfect. We may think he’s late, but he’s never late. God’s delays are not God’s denials. “Not yet” does not mean “no.”

A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for
greater profits. Finally, he succeeded.

While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, “The turkey I bred
had six legs!”

His friends, who had got quite excited, eagerly asked, “What about the
taste?”

The farmer said with a long-drawn face, “I have no idea. Can’t catch it.”

One Liner
Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged
in their mouths.

Thought for the day
“God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine” Ephesians 3:20

When we want God to answer our prayers, we must be willing to not only let God answer whenever he thinks is best but also however he thinks is best. God’s ways are always better and bigger and higher.