What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:

1.  A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2.  Any clothing item with the words “slim-down” on the label.

3.  Any food item with the words “diet”, “light”,  or “high fiber” on the label.

4.  Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop–or worse, a mortuary’s.

5.  Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out “There was once a girl from Nantucket…”

6.  Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.

7.  Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

8.  A gift certificate.

9.  Cash.

10.  Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn’t.

One LINER
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A hog and kisses!

Thought for the day
Wise men and women are always learning, always listening for fresh insights.
Proverbs 18:15 (MSG)

Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing mysterious about being creative. The basic principle of creativity is simply combining two or more known ideas in a new way to create a fresh idea.

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked.

“It would go out,” he replied very matter-of-factly.

“Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”

“No,” my co-worker continued. “The force from the explosion would blow out the match.”

One LINER
“The interest span of a child is possibly thirty seconds. Higher if throwing food or annoying a small animal is involved.” – Erma Bombeck

Thought for the day
Psalm 119:165
Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.

Have you ever had a clumsy stage of life, this promise is almost beyond believing — nothing can make me stumble! But when it comes to living life, if I know God’s will and love it, I will do it. Then nothing can make me stumble

TOP 10 WAYS TO INTIMIDATE YOUR DAUGHTER’S DATE WHEN HE COMES TO PICK HER UP

10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she leaves. Explain, “It makes fingerprinting easier.”

9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.

8. Introduce him to your good friend Chuck Norris.

7. Walk on stilts.

6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken heads, then yell up to your daughter, “Number six is here.”

5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.

4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family member to the living room using a whistle, then making them stand at attention and salute.

3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.

2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, “Subject is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a green ford.”

1. Say, “Let’s pray.”

One Liner
There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year.

Thought for the day
… To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away. Luke 19:26 (NLT)

Jesus requires his disciples to take risks because those risks are the substance of our faith. They stretch us to live by faith instead of living by sight. They stretch us from an independent, self-directed life to one dependent and directed by God.

MEANDERTHALS /me-AN-dur-thols/ noun: aimless, slow-walking pedestrians who mindlessly get in everyone else’s way on sidewalks, stores, in malls, and crosswalks, often while preoccupied with a cell phone.

One Liner
I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I’m finding out it has to do with my middle.

Thought for the day
“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.”  1 Peter 5:7

Does God care about your house payment, your health, whether you are a success or failure in life, your children and the education they get, whether you ever get married or not, about the argument you had with your boyfriend, or about how you feel this morning?  God says, “You bet I care! I am a caring Father.”

Scripture says that God is interested in every little detail of your life.  That’s so incredible I don’t think it even sinks in. God is a caring God.  He is concerned about every little detail in your life.

What is a computer’s first sign of old age?

Loss of memory

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data

What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a computer keyboard?

The space bar

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk

Why was there a bug in the computer?

It was looking for a byte to eat

What is a computer virus?

A terminal illness

One Liner
What disease did cured ham actually have?

Thought for the day
Fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. Philippians 4:8 (TEV)

Temptation begins by capturing your attention. What gets your attention arouses your emotions. Then your emotions activate your behavior, and you act on what you felt. The more you focus on “I don’t want to do this,” the stronger it draws you into its web.

Ignoring a temptation is far more effective than fighting it. Once your mind is on something else, the temptation loses its power. So when temptation calls you on the phone, don’t argue with it, just hang up!

Bernie was invited to his elderly friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.”

Morris hung his head and whispered,” To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”

One Liner
Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate:
1.

Thought for the day
Mark 2:27, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath”

God created this idea of you taking a day off every seven days for rest, recreation, worship, and restoration. It’s his idea, and it’s for your own benefit so you don’t burn out.

“Out of Gas”

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn’t open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger’s gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station.

“You know,” the attendant suggested helpfully, “instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here.”

One Liner
Biblical newspaper headline: ‘Job outlook dismal’.

Thought for the day
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” Romans 12:2

If you want to experience lasting change in your life, you need to refocus your mind.

The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know?”

“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re just bad luck.”

One LINER
God must work in you before God can work on you!!

Thought for the day
“I do not run like one who runs aimlessly.”   I Corinthians 9:26

Every follower of Christ should make it his or her aim to please Christ!   To accomplish this you will need to set some spiritual goals in all areas of your life.

Joan decided to redecorate. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need for the bedroom but she knew that Buffy next door had recently done the same job, and the two apartments were identical in size.

“Buffy,” she said, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”

“Ten,” said Buffy.

So Joan bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

“Buffy,” she said, “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!”

“Yeah,” said Buffy, “So did I.”

One LINER
“I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster.”

Thought for the day  
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Two things are vital for this to be a part of our lives. First, we must trust God to meet our needs.   Second, we expect the power of the Holy Spirit to bless us and empower us with God’s qualities.

Bad Facts

These responses actually appeared on real science tests:

“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

“To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”

—”Strange World,” Campus Life, Vol. 56, no. 2. 

One LINER
Why do you turn the radio down in the car when you’re looking for a street address?  You do it too – huh!!!

Thought for the day
Colossians 3:12
As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

“Ever wonder what you need to wear to each day?” Paul reminds us that there is a set of clothing that is always in style. So go get dressed for the life!