As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

One LINER
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Thought for the day
“According to your faith let it be done to you” Matthew 9:29b

Every time you set a goal, you are saying, “I believe God wants me to do this by ‘such and such’ a date,” and that is a statement of faith.

MURPHY’S LAWS OF PARENTING

– The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

– The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

– The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

– A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

– For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

– Toys multiply to fill any space available.

– Yours is always the only child who doesn’t behave.

– If the shoe fits … it’s expensive.

– Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

One Liner
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.

Thought for the day
Be humble and give more honor to others than to yourselves Philippians 2:3b

Pride destroys relationships. It shows up in a lot of different ways, like criticism, competition, stubbornness, and superficiality.

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library… The librarian quips after checking the books…

“Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book…”

The surgeon replies, “I can’t stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one.”

One Liner
“When the wheel was invented it caused a revolution.”

Thought for the day
The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others — ignoring God! — harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life Galatians 6:7-8

Selfishness destroys relationships. It is the number one cause of conflict, arguments, divorce, and even war.

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

One Liner
Life is like photography…we use the negatives to develop.

Thought for the day
We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others Romans 15:2

Listening with empathy means you listen without interruption and you listen for fears and feelings. You listen for what they aren’t saying. You’re not trying to fix the situation. Sometimes healing comes just by listening!

An eye roller:

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

“I’m about to close,” the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon’s hand and says, “I’m not going to let you do that! I’ll close my own incision!”

The doctor hands him the thread and says, “Suture self”.

One Liner
Dear IRS:  I’m sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll send you the rest.

Thought for the day
No one who gossips can be trusted … but you can put confidence in someone who is trustworthy Proverbs 11:13

Trust in a relationship is what makes the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. You talk to acquaintances, but you trust your friends.

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

One Liner
Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?

Thought for the day
“Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God” Philippians 1:3

Study after study has linked gratitude to happiness. Psychologists and sociologists have proven that the more grateful you are, the happier you are.

Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic E-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)

7. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

8. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

One Liner
“I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone ‘hands free’ – now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive.”

Thought for the day
“It’s crucial that we keep a firm grip on what we’ve heard so that we don’t drift off” (Hebrews 2:1

The reason we must relearn lessons is that we forget them. Reviewing your spiritual journal regularly can spare you a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache

THE PRICE OF GAS IN FRANCE

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

See if you have deGaulle to forward this to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse. I hope this brought a chuckle. After all, ’tis the Cezanne to be jolly!

One Liner
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Thought for the day
“Three things will last forever — faith, hope, and love — and the greatest of these is love” 1 Corinthians 13:1

God says you need to focus on love because that’s all that’s going to last