“Morning Sickness”

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

“What’s wrong Molly?” she asked.

Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

Surprised, Sarah said, “Hurray! I didn’t even know you were pregnant!”

“I’m not,” the harried middle-aged mother replied.

“I’m just sick of mornings.”

One Liner
Seen on an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

Thought for the day
Psalm 119:114: “You’re my place of quiet retreat; I wait for your Word to renew me” (MSG).

If you’re discouraged and have lost hope, then that tells me one thing about your life without ever meeting you: You’re not spending time in God’s Word. If you were, you wouldn’t be discouraged. The more you read God’s Word when you’re down, the more he lifts you up.

“It Pays to Read Labels”

I finally figured out why I am so “full-figured”!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says “for extra volume and body”! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Tomorrow I am going to start using “Dawn” dish soap! It says right on the bottle, “dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove”.

It pays to read the warning labels my friends.

One Liner
“People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick”

Thought for the day
Romans 15:4, “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope” (NIV).

Everything in Scripture is written for our encouragement. That’s a big statement — but it’s true! Even the tough parts of God’s Word are there to ultimately encourage our lives in the right direction.

“One Carton and Six Eggs”

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had eggs.”

One Liner
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” ~ Mark Twain

Thought for the day
“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope” (Romans 15:4 NIV).

Are you down in the dumps? Do you need a mood elevator?

Put down the piece of chocolate cake. Don’t have a pity party. Pick up your Bible instead.

A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding.  He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

“You don’t understand, sir,” my friend said.  “I’m in the wedding.”

“No, YOU don’t understand,” the officer replied.  “You’re in the Navy.”

One Liner
Home is where you hang your @

Thought for the day
Pray that your children will bring others to Christ regularly: “I pray not only for them, but also for those who believe in me because of their message” (John 17:20 GNT).

“Loose Fitting Clothing”

April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose fitting clothing to the class.

“Honey,” the lady replied, “if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t be signing up for an exercise class.”

One Liner
“The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they decided to just give him a season ticket.”

Thought for the day
Pray that your children will experience fellowship personally: “My prayer . . . is that they will be of one heart and mind, just as you and I are, Father . . . and the world will believe you sent me” (John 17:21 TLB).

“The car won’t start,” said a wife to her husband. “I think there’s water in the carburetor.”

“How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. “You don’t even know what the carburetor is.”

“I’m telling you,” repeated the wife, “I’m sure there’s water in the carburetor.”

“We’ll see,” mocked the husband. “Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”

“In the swimming pool.”

One Liner
Save money by using a facial tissue twice – first to clean your glasses and then to blow your nose. Be sure to remember which one to do first.

Thought for the day
Pray that your children will serve Christ effectively: “Make them ready for your service through your truth; your teaching is truth” (John 17:17 NCV).

Just Ask Me

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
 
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
 
Instead she sat back and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.” 

One Liner
“Low carb diets really go against the grain.”

Thought for the day
Pray that your children will grow strong spiritually: “I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one” John 17:15 NLT

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”

One Liner
“Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.”

Thought for the day
Pray that your children will live for Christ joyfully: “I say these things while I’m still in the world so that they will have the same joy that I have” (John 17:13b GW).