Category Archives: Uncategorized

Humor – April 11

It was young Anthony’s first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment.

The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel.

There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling.

Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder. “It’s tomorrow!” exclaimed the small boy.

One Liner
A teacher asked one of her pupils, “What’s the nation’s capital?”

The reply was, “Washington DC”
On being asked what the “DC” stood for, the pupil added, “Dot com!”

Thought for the day
“Thinking about your commands will keep me from doing some foolish thing” Psalm 119:6 CEV

If you’re thinking about God’s truth, you’re not thinking about the less important stuff.

Humor – April 10

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left  work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, but said to herself, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.  Within five minutes an old, beat-up motor motorcycle pulled up with a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, “This is what You sent to help me?”  But she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his bike and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick.  I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car.  I must get home to her, please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you SO much! You are a very nice man.” 

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday – for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a professional!”

One Liner
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Thought for the day
“We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5 NCV).

We are not very good at capturing every thought and turning it to Christ, because it takes lots of practice. You can’t always control your circumstances, and you can’t even always control the way you feel. But you can control what you think about. That’s always your choice. And if you change the way you think, it changes the way you feel, and that will change the way you act.

 

Humor – April 5

Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

“You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.” The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?”

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but … will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”

One Liner
If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!

Thought for the day
“Honor God with your bodies” 1 Corinthians 6:20b

Our bodies were made for activity. In Bible times they didn’t have to exercise because they walked everywhere and did physical work. But today, you really only have two choices: fatigue or fitness. If you choose fitness, it has to involve regular exercise.

Humor – April 4

My face in the mirror
Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

One Liner
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Thought for the day
“You made my body, Lord; now give me sense to heed your laws” Psalm 119:73

We all need a balanced diet. Thus choosing fruits and vegetables over chips and cookies will give us more sustained energy. We know what to do. We just need to do it

Humor – April 3

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for 4:30 on Friday afternoons.

When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained, “I will tell you why – I’ve learned that’s the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me.”

One Liner
Do modern witches make use of all the newest spell checkers?

Thought for the day
“It is senseless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, fearing you will starve to death; for God wants his loved ones to get their proper rest” Psalm 127:2

Rest is so important that God put it in the Ten Commandments: Every seventh day, you are to rest. If you’re not taking a day off every week, you’re breaking one of his commandments.

Humor – March 31

I finally figured out why I am getting fat! I should have figured it out sooner.
 
It’s the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, “FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”
 
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap. On its label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
 
Problem Solved!

One Liner
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.  — Billy Graham

Thought for the day
“I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble” Psalm 59:16

We need the emotional release and recharging that comes from singing. Put on some Christian music, and sing along. Then, watch how God restores your soul!