All posts by mikeshumor
Humor – February 10
Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted.
“I haven’t added them up yet.”
One Liner
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
Thought for the day
“Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn’t find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, ‘Friend, I forgive your sins.’” (Luke 5:18-20 MSG)
No one is hopeless. When the four friends looked at the paralytic’s condition, they could have responded in doubt: What could Jesus do? Instead, they believed God could heal him — they had faith. The Bible said the paralytic’s sins were forgiven when Jesus saw the faith of the four friends.
There are people all around us who are paralyzed — not necessarily physically paralyzed, but a paralyzed faith. Whether they’re paralyzed by doubts, loneliness, fear, or anything else, the result is the same: They need the faith of the others.
Humor – February 9
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
One Liner
If you throw your cat out the window is that kitty litter?
Thought for the day
In Psalm 91, God says, “When you call on me, I will answer; I will be with you in your trouble and I will rescue you” (v. 15 NLT).
Notice that God says you have to do your part and then he’ll do his part. You call, he answers. That’s it. Just call on the name of the Lord. And the name of the Lord is Jesus.
Humor – February 8
A Marine Corps drill instructor had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant, he said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The kid said, “Not me, sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the Marines, I’d never stand in another line.”
One Liner
Really??? Paper beats rock?! Next time someone says, “I’ll throw a rock at you,” just try to only hold up a piece of paper!
Thought for the day
“Anyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13 (LB)
Jesus doesn’t say he’s a good way, or a nice way, or even the best way. He says, “I’m it.”
Humor – February 7
Little Dewey was one of those holy terrors.
His dad was surprised when Dewey’s mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.
“Do you really believe that’ll help improve his behavior?” he said.
“Well, no,” she admitted, “But it’ll spread it over a wider area.”
One Liner
“I have e-mail, a pager, a cell phone, a fax line. I’ve got an answering machine, three phone lines at home, one in my purse, and a phone in my car. The only excuse I have if I don’t return your call is I just don’t like you.”
Thought for the day
“But people who aren’t Christians can’t understand these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them because only those who have the Spirit can understand what the Spirit means.” (1 Corinthians 2:14 NLT)
You have the Holy Spirit inside you. You have the ability to understand when God is telling you to take steps toward his goals for your life. Ask him to teach you to hear his still small voice and to help you take the steps he tells you to take. Then, look for the ways he guides you through the decisions and details of your life.
Humor – February 6
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. “How many of you,” he asked, “would say you’re opposed to war?”
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, “who’ll give us the reason for being opposed to war?”
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
“Johnny?” The teacher said.
“I hate war,” Johnny said, “because wars make history, and I hate history.”
One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”
Thought for the day
“Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think” (Romans 12:2 NLT).
The New Testament calls this mental shift repentance, which in Greek literally means, “to change your mind.” You repent whenever you change the way you think by adopting how God thinks–about yourself, sin, God, other people, life, your future, and everything else. You take on Christ’s outlook and perspective.
Philippians 1:21
humor pic of the week
Humor – February 3
Pet Pet-Peeves
1. Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”
2. Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”
3. Cat: “Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it’s curtains.”
4. Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease — but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?”
5. Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”
6. Dog: “What the … HEY!!! I didn’t even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!”
7. Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There’s* a new one!”
One Liner
“Laughter is by definition healthy.” — Doris Lessing
Thought for the Day
Hebrews 10:24 and “think of ways to encourage one anther to outbursts of love and good deeds” (NLT).
Who do you need to encourage? Take a moment to consider someone you know who might be feeling neglected or overlooked. Maybe it’s somebody in your office, school or neighborhood.
Consider ways to encourage them – maybe write them a quick note or take them out to lunch.
Those small acts have the power to change not only their lives, but yours as well. Instead of turning inward and allowing neglect to eat away at you, turn outward and use God’s power in your life to serve others. It’s ministry, it’s powerful, and it makes a difference.
Humor – February 2
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner of the sofa and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot on the sofa and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’
One Liner
Why do we choose from just two people to run for President and fifty for Miss America?
Thought for the day
“Now you belong to him … in order that you might be useful in the service of God.” Romans 7:4 TEV)
Anytime you use your God-given abilities to help others, you are fulfilling your calling.
mikeshumor 