Category Archives: hope

Humor – February 14

Valentine Funnies

1. What did one light bulb say to the other?

“I love you a whole watt!”

2. What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?

He gives it a valenshine!

3. “Do you love me more than you love sleep?”

“I can’t answer now. It’s time for my nap!”

4. What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?

“I’ve got a crutch on you!”

5. Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?

It was a case of guppy love.

6. What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?

“Be my valenstein!”

One LINER
“Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving evidence of the fact.”
~ George Eliot

Thought for the day
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (Msg) 

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
5Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
6Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
7Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Humor – February 9

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

One Liner
If you throw your cat out the window is that kitty litter? 

Thought for the day
In Psalm 91, God says, “When you call on me, I will answer; I will be with you in your trouble and I will rescue you” (v. 15 NLT).

Notice that God says you have to do your part and then he’ll do his part. You call, he answers. That’s it. Just call on the name of the Lord. And the name of the Lord is Jesus.

Humor – January 24

During a little league baseball game, the coach asked one of his young players: “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”

Again, the boy nodded yes.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”

One Liner
If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.

Thought for the day
The Apostle Paul says, “Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him . . .” Ephesians 4:21.  Jesus is the truth, he will always tell you the truth. His Word is the truth. The Bible is his Word, and that means the Bible is truth!!

Humor – October 3

A wholesaler from up North sent a letter to the postmaster of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler’s goods. He got this reply:   
Dear Sir: I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant had refused to pay. If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you fully just exactly what I thought of your claim.

One Liner
Why does a psychic convention need to advertise? 

Thought for the day
“In response to all he has done for us, let us outdo each other in being helpful and kind to each other and in doing good.” Hebrews 10:24 (TLB)

Being a people-builder requires unselfishness.  

Humor – September 2

Famous Last Words (part 2)

“I’ve seen this done on TV.”
“Let it down slowly.”
“Nice doggie.”
“Now watch this…”
“Pull the pin and count to what?”
“Rat poison only kills rats.”
“So, you’re a cannibal…”
“Listen, I’m taking a course in chemistry, I know what I’m doing.”
“That’s odd…”
“These are the good kind of mushrooms.”
“This doesn’t taste right.”
“What does this button do?”
“Which wire was I supposed to cut?”

One Liner
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Thought for the day
I become a servant to everyone so that I can win them to Christ. … Whatever a person is like, I try to find common ground with him so that he will let me tell him about Christ and let Christ save him. I do this to get the Good News to them. (1 Corinthians 9:19-23)

Do we care enough about people to do whatever it takes to tell them about Jesus?

God wants us to love people that much — enough to reach out to them with the gospel in a creative way. We need to use every available method, at every available time, to reach every available person for Jesus Christ.

Humor – August 9

The judge was in a kind mood as he questioned the prisoner: “What are you charged with?” he asked.

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s not a crime,” replied the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened.”

One Liner
If there was a Pessimist Award, I doubt if I could win it.

Thought for the day
Leviticus 26:11-12
I will make my dwelling among you [God says]. And I will walk among you and will be your God, and you shall my people.

God is interested in relationship. God is interested in being near to His people.  Proximity matters to God.  He doesn’t want to be just some god out there that we hear about

 

The Tomb is EMPTY!

Easter Eggs

Jeremy was born with a twisted body, a slow mind and a chronic, terminal illness that had been slowly killing him all his young life. Still, his parents had tried to give him as normal a life as possible and had sent him to St. Theresa’s elementary school. At the age of 12, Jeremy was only in second grade, seemingly unable to learn.

His teacher, Doris Miller, often became exasperated with him.  He would squirm in his seat, drool and make grunting noises. At other times, he spoke clearly and distinctly, as if a spot of light had penetrated the darkness of his brain. Most of the time, however, Jeremy irritated his teacher.

Spring came, and the children talked excitedly about the coming of Easter. Doris told them the story of Jesus, and then to emphasize the idea of new life springing forth, she gave each of the children a large plastic egg. “Now,” she said to them “I want you to take this home and bring it back tomorrow with something inside that shows new life.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, Miss Miller!” The children responded enthusiastically – all except for Jeremy.  He just listened intently; his eyes never left her face. He did not even make his usual noises. Had he understood what she had said about Jesus’ death and resurrection?  Did he understand the assignment? Perhaps she should call his parents and explain the project to them.

That evening, Doris’ kitchen sink stopped up.  She called the landlord and waited an hour for him to come by and unclog it.  After that, she still had to shop for groceries, iron a blouse and prepare a vocabulary test for the next day. She completely forgot about phoning Jeremy ‘s parents.

The next morning, 19 children came to school, laughing and talking as they placed their eggs in the large wicker basket on Miss Miller’s desk. After they completed their math lesson, it was time to open the eggs. In the first egg, Doris found a flower. “Oh yes, a flower is certainly a sign of new life,” she said.  “When plants peek through the ground we know that spring is here. “A small girl in the first row waved her arms. “That’s my egg, Miss Miller,” she called out.  The next egg contained a plastic butterfly, which looked very real.  Doris held it up.  “We all know that a caterpillar changes and turns into a beautiful butterfly.  Yes, that is new life, too” little Judy smiled proudly and said, “Miss Miller, that one is mine.”

Next Doris found a rock with moss on it.  She explained that the moss, too, showed life.  Billy spoke up from the back of the classroom.  “My daddy helped me!”  He beamed.  Then Doris opened the fourth egg.  She gasped. The egg was empty!  Surely it must be Jeremy ‘s, she thought, and, of course, he did not understand her instructions.  If only she had not forgotten to phone his parents. Because she did not want to embarrass him, she quietly set the egg aside and reached for another.

Suddenly Jeremy spoke up. “Miss Miller, aren’t you going to talk about my egg?” Flustered, Doris replied, “but Jeremy  – your egg is empty!”  He looked into her eyes and said softly, “yes, but Jesus’ tomb was empty too!”  Time stopped.  When she could speak again.  Doris asked him, “Do you know why the tomb was empty?”  “Oh yes!” Jeremy exclaimed.  “Jesus was killed and put in there.  Then his Father raised him up!”

Three months later Jeremy died.  Those who paid their respects at the mortuary were surprised to see 19 eggs on top of his casket, ……………….all of them empty.

Joshua 22:5

Happy Valentine’s Day 

“But be very careful to keep the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD gave you: to love the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to keep his commands, to hold fast to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.”