An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

“What are you selling, young man?” he asked.

“I’m not selling anything, sir,” the young man replied. “I’m the census taker.”
“A what?” the man asked.

“A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States.”

“Well,” the man answered, “you’re wasting your time with me; I have no idea.”

One Liner
“Death and taxes may be certain, but we don’t have to die every year.”  ~Unknown

Thought for the day
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Philippians 4:6 MSG

Philippians 4:6 is a recipe for worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns

The pastor called all the children up to the front for the weekly Bible story. Little Jimmy listened intently to the story of Lot. The pastor said, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

Very concerned, Jimmy asked, “What happened to the flea?”

One LINER
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo.

(The Hair-Wind Principal)

Thought for the day 
“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”Jeremiah 29:11

Follow God’s plan for you life

“Soft Seven”

A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course. When they make it to a long par three the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole son?”

The young man says, “An eight iron, father. How about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”

One LINER
An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support.

Thought for the day 
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock Eternal. Isaiah 26:4

The Lord is our only rock of security, and all the forever’s we have, are found in him.

4th of July Jokes

The difference between a duck and George Washington is:
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants? 
Because they lived in colonies.

What’s red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog? 
A revolutionary warthog!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

One Liner
Freedom is first of all a responsibility before the God from whom we come. – Alan Keyes

Thought for the day
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free John 8:32

The bondage of sin is the most grievous bondage; and freedom from its guilt and influence is the greatest liberty.

How Many States Can You Name?

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.  Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, ‘Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

One LINER
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for? 
Liberty

Thought for the day
“For you created everything, and it is for your pleasure that they exist and were create
Revelation 4:11b (NLT)

You were planned for God’s pleasure

My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for them.

They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: “When are the interviews?”

One LINER
“My wife and I have a system for settling arguments We just talk and talk until she’s right.”

Thought for the day  
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:10

Humility is a forgotten virtue. Often confused with weakness or timidity, humility is about knowing our proper place in the world without flaunting it. Only God can exalt in a permanent way, so the key is to know our place before him and let him put us in the place he chooses to honor him.

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.

I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant.

He laughed as he told me it meant “Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.”

One Liner
“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

Thought for the day
It is he who saved us and chose us for his holy work, not because we deserved it but because that was his plan. (2 Timothy 1:9 LB)

You were saved to serve God. The apostle John taught that our loving service to others shows that we are truly saved.

I haven’t checked snopes.com to see if this actually works or not . . .

but they say that if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first.

It’ll keep you from streaking!

One Liner
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire when you can’t start a camp fire with a whole book of matches?

Thought for the day
“Keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity.” Proverbs 3:1-2 (NIV)

God says, “If you do what I tell you to do with your health, you will enjoy a long life.”

Friend: “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?”

Woman: “Yes, it’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”

Friend: “But your husband is still alive.”

Woman: “I know, but his hair is gone.”

One Liner
How can there be self-help groups?

Thought for the day
Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. (John 4:23) 

It pleases Him when you worship Him in spirit and truth. He wants your spirit to communicate with His Spirit. And, He wants you to worship Him based on the truth about Him that is revealed in the Bible.

911 Caller: “Help! My wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart!”

911 Operator: “Is this her first child?”

911 Caller: “Of course not, you idiot! This is her husband!”

One LINER
When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the instructions.

Thought for the day
The Lord blessed the last part of Job’s life even more than he had blessed the first” (Job 42:12 GNT).

Job went through all this hurt, but in spite of that, God blessed the last part of Job’s life even more than the first. It doesn’t matter who’s hurt you or how long you’ve been hurt or how deeply you’ve been hurt. God can make the rest of your life the best of your life if you’re willing to forgive and let go of resentment and release the offender.