The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation. “Airman,” he bellowed, “what do you do when a shirt pocket is unbuttoned?”

The startled airman replied, “Button it, sir!”

The colonel looked him in the eye and said, “Well?”

At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel’s shirt pocket.

One Liner
“How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?”

Thought for the day
Know the state of your flocks, and put your heart into caring for your herds, for riches don’t last forever …. (Proverbs 27:23-24a NLT)

The Bible says we need to watch our financial interests closely. “Know the state of your flocks ….” Today we might say, “Know the state of your stocks.” In other words, we need to know where our money is going. People say money talks, but actually it just walks away quietly. And you wonder where it went.

Not knowing where your money is going equals disaster. You get into debt because you’re not keeping good records that show you what is happening with your finances. As the saying goes, you end up spending money you don’t have on things you don’t need to impress people you don’t even like. 

SIX TRUTHS

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, due to the tendons within your neck.

2. All boneheads, after reading #1 will try it…

3. …and discover that #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you realize you are an bonehead.

5. You soon will share this with another bonehead.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face! I sincerely apologize about this, but I’m an bonehead and I needed company.

One Liner
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

Thought for the day
“The things you’ve learned from me in the presence of many witnesses you are to entrust to other faithful people who will also be qualified to pass it on to others.” (2 Timothy 2:2)

Don’t be intimidated by the word “mentoring.” Mentoring is as easy as taking someone to breakfast once a month and asking them, “How’s it going?”

HEALTH MESSAGE         

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.  

4. A tortoise doesn’t run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.

AND…YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?

One Liner
I’m not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.

Thought for the day
“Encourage anyone who feels left out, help all who are weak, and be patient with everyone.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14 (CEV)

Today’s verse tells us, it’s important to look for someone who most other people wouldn’t encourage. A lot of people like to encourage or help powerful people because it might give them a leg up on something.

I have been to a lot of places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

One Liner
The right note, played at the wrong time, is a wrong note.

Thought for the day
God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.  I Corinthians 1:9 ESV

“When discouragement sets in and you feel unheard – when you are forced to wait on God – when you find yourself caught between faith and a hard place – when there is nothing there… no evidence of God’s miracle on the horizon – remember that God is faithful, powerful, and responsive. He has seen you through trials in the past and He will see you through trials in the future. Even in the challenges you face now, you are seen, you are heard, and He is able.” – Gwen Smith 

Joey walked into his dad’s study while his dad was working on the computer.

“Dad,” said Joey, “Remember when you told me you’d give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?” Dad nodded.

“Well,” said Joey, “The good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks.”

One Liner
“I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for you – it was much cheaper back then.”

Thought for the day
“If my life is motivated by my ambition to leave a legacy, what I’ll probably leave as a legacy is ambition. But if my life is motivated by the power of the Spirit in my life; if I live in the awareness of the indwelling Christ; if I allow His presence to guide my actions, to guide my motives…that’s the only time I think that we really leave a great legacy. That which is born of the flesh is flesh and that which is born of the Spirit is Spirit.” – Rich Mullins, the “Awesome God” guy 

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.

At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: “Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed.”

One Liner
“Doctor, Doctor! My husband makes me boiling mad!”

“Now, just simmer down.”

Thought for the day
Colossians 3:12 says, “[A]s God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (NIV). 

Because we know how much God loves us, we can demonstrate compassion, kindness, humility and patience with others. And that’s exactly what the church has been called to do. It’s the place for the broken, the place for those whose lives don’t work out as they should. 

“Razor Request”

Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says, “Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?”

The barber replies “Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?”

Ronnie said, “Well not exactly but I thought I could defend myself.”

One Liner
“Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.”

Thought for the day
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1–2 (NIV)

No matter what you’ve ever done, there is no condemnation in Christ. He sits at the Father’s right hand, not as an accuser, but as an advocate willing to give his life for you.

Ruth and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.

Ruth begins to tell Esther about her children. “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is a lawyer and she has three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”

Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.” 

Ruth says, “No children? … and no grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”

One Liner
“No, I’m not going to give up trying to become The Invisible Man: Have I made myself clear?”

Thought for the day
“You search the Scriptures because you believe they give you eternal life. And the Scriptures point to me!” (John 5:39 NLT)

We’re not really studying the Bible until we do two things. First, write down what we’ve learned, and, second, talk it over with others. God will change your life when you do these two things.

“Do you love me with all your heart and soul?” asked Becky on Valentines Day.

“Mmm hmm,” grunted Dave.

“Do you think I’m the most beautiful girl on the planet?” 

“Mmm hmm.”

“Do you think my lips are like rose petals?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“Oh Dave,” gushed Becky, “you say the most beautiful things!”

One Liner
Here’s to love – the only fire for which there is no insurance.

Thought for the day
“God, are you avoiding me? Where are you when I need you?” (Psalm 10:1 MSG)

We all hit walls at times in our relationship with God.  We simply can’t judge our quiet times by emotions. Why? Emotions lie. Feelings come and go. Some days it’ll feel like heaven just opened up for you, and you have a great time with God. Then there are other days your quiet time will seem ordinary and bland. Don’t expect to have great and glorious experiences every single morning. The issue is consistency.

Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted.

“I haven’t added them up yet.”

One Liner
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Thought for the day
“Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn’t find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, ‘Friend, I forgive your sins.’” (Luke 5:18-20 MSG)

No one is hopeless. When the four friends looked at the paralytic’s condition, they could have responded in doubt: What could Jesus do? Instead, they believed God could heal him — they had faith. The Bible said the paralytic’s sins were forgiven when Jesus saw the faith of the four friends.

There are people all around us who are paralyzed — not necessarily physically paralyzed, but a paralyzed faith. Whether they’re paralyzed by doubts, loneliness, fear, or anything else, the result is the same: They need the faith of the others.