A Prayer
Dear God,
 
So far today, I’ve done all right.
I haven’t gossiped.
I haven’t lost my temper.
I haven’t lied or cheated.
I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
 
I’m very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord,
I’m going to get out of bed;
and from then on,
I’m probably going to need a lot more help.
 
Amen.

One Liner
“Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.”
  — Arnold Glasow

Thought for the day
“Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom” Luke 23:42

The thief on the cross didn’t ask Jesus to stop his pain, although he would have been in excruciating pain on the cross. By that time, Jesus was famous for doing miracles, but the man didn’t ask Jesus to save him from death, either.

He said, “Jesus, remember me.” Why? Because he knew that his deepest need was salvation from sin — not just salvation to get into Heaven. He believed in Jesus.

Rose Bowl Football Game
 
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets and a flight to the Rose Bowl football game in Pasadena on New Year’s Day. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
 
“I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!”
 
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the first half.
 
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
 
“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”

One Liner
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Thought for the day
“So we continue to preach Christ to each person, using all wisdom to warn and to teach everyone, in order to bring each one into God’s presence as a mature person in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28 NCV)

When you first become a Christian, you often do things simply because other Christians around you suggest them or model them. You may pray, read the Bible, and attend services because you see the examples of others. This is fine for a new Christian. Little children learn the same way. However, as you grow, you must eventually develop your own reasons for doing what you do. Those reasons become convictions. Biblical convictions are essential for spiritual growth and maturity.

A husband raced into the house and said to his wife, “I’ve found a great job. The salary is good. It offers free medical insurance and paid holidays.”

“That’s wonderful, dear,” his wife said.

“I thought you’d be pleased,” the husband said. “You start tomorrow.”

One Liner
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Thought for the day
John 8:31-32: “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (NLT).

God’s Word will unlock all you’ve been made to do and be. Through it, you’ll be able to do things you never thought possible.

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.

His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”

Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.”

One Liner
Of all the things that I’ve ever lost, I miss my mind the least.

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine” (John 8:31b NASB). It’s the long-term commitment to learning from Jesus and his Word that makes us his disciples.

Young Love

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me any more?”

“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

One Liner
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.

Thought for the day
Without faith it is impossible to please God …. Hebrews 11:6 (NIV)

Godly goals are set through faith. The Bible says, “Without faith, it is impossible to please God.” In order to please God, we must set goals that require faith.

What does this mean? It means we must set goals that are bigger than ones we can reach on your own.

COMPUTER FUNNIES 

What is a computer’s first sign of old age?

Loss of memory

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data

What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a computer keyboard?

The space bar

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk

Why was there a bug in the computer?

It was looking for a byte to eat

What is a computer virus?

A terminal illness

One Liner
Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.

Thought for the day
God makes his purpose for the Bible even more explicit in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work” (NLT).

The purpose of the Bible is more than just showing us what is wrong in our lives or how we should live. God gave us his Word to radically transform our lives.

Sunday school teacher Ms. Brown had a class of five-year-olds. She began the lesson by saying, “Today we are going to study about Peter. Can anybody tell me who Peter was?”
 
A little lad in the back of the group raised his hand.
 
“Oh, how nice,” Ms. Brown said. “Billy knows. Billy, please come up front and tell the class who Peter was.”
 
Billy quickly came to the front and said with great pride in his voice,
 
“I fink he was a wabbit.”

One Liner
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Thought for the day
“Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God.” (2 Peter 1:3 Msg)

You may hesitate, wondering whether you will have strength to live for God. Don’t worry. God will give you what you need if you will just make the choice to live for him. 

TOP 10 THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN
 
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One Liner
“The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.”

Thought for the day
If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done. Matthew 6:14-15 (TEV)

If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them. That’s one of the values of prayer. It helps you unload.

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office. 

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

“First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed.

“I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

One Liner
“For what is faith unless it is to believe what you do not see?”
– Augustine

Thought for the day
God gave us His Word (the Bible) to transform us, not simply inform us. It should give us a bigger heart, not a bigger head.

James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says” (NIV).

I always do my exercises regularly in the morning. Immediately after waking I sternly say to myself, “Ready, now. Up. Down. Up. Down.” And after two strenuous minutes I tell myself, “Okay, now try the other eyelid

One Liner
What does the sea say to the sand?
Not much. It usually just waves.

Thought for the day
Jesus says, “I am the way…. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6 NIV).

It’s very important to understand that in any rescue operation, the rescuer gets to determine means and method of the rescue. You don’t get to determine how you are saved. It’s not up to you; it’s up to your Savior.