An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

One Liner
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

Thought for the day
“No one can serve two masters . . . You cannot serve both God and money” Luke 16:13 NIV

You’ve got to decide whom or what you’re going to serve, and your giving will reflect your decision. If God is Lord of your life, then he should be Lord of your wallet, too.

At the end of their date, a young man takes the girl back to her home. He decides to try for that first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”

Embarrassed, she replies, “Oh, I couldn’t do that. My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us.”

“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”

“No. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“NO, no. I just can’t.”

“Pleeeeease?…”

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

One Liner
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn’t enough anxiety in my life.

Thought for the day
“Being cheerful keeps you healthy” Proverbs 17:22 GNT

Laughter increases the number of T-cells in your body, which raises your immunity and releases endorphins in your brain. Laughter is good for your health! It’s God’s gift to you that doesn’t just make you enjoy life more; it also helps you love others well.

A fellow decided to buy his girl some perfume for Valentine’s day, so he went to the cosmetic counter in his girl’s favorite store. The prices were horrific! No matter what the sales lady showed him, even the tiniest bottles were beyond his budget.

Finally, he asked her: “Can you show me something really cheap?”

She handed him a mirror.

One Liner
Since 2/22/22 falls on a Tuesday, we’ll just call it “2’s Day.”

Thought for the day
“God has bought you with a great price. So use every part of your body to give glory back to God”  1 Corinthians 6:20 TLB

To overcome fatigue, you must commit to regular exercise. Study after study shows that exercise doesn’t deplete your energy. It actually increases your energy.

Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, “Why are you home from school so early?”

Johnny said, “They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question.”

“Oh, really? What was the question?” his mother asked.

“Who threw the eraser at the teacher?”

One Liner
Taxidermists are demanding the right to bear bare bear arms.

Thought for the day
“You made my body, Lord; now give me sense to heed your laws” Psalm 119:73 TLB

God provides wonderful delights for us to enjoy and savor. We are meant to enjoy food! But he has also given us wisdom to know what and how much is good to put in our body—and what is not. We just need to do it.

AMISH VIRUS ALERT!!!
You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files and post your name, mother’s maiden name, and social security number at sites all across the Internet. Thank thee.

One Liner
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Thought for the day
“Not a single one of all the good promises the Lord had given to the family of Israel was left unfulfilled; everything he had spoken came true” Joshua 21:45 NLT

When you can’t count on anything else, you can count on the promises of God.

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they’d give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said,

“If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who’d like to volunteer, please step forward…”

One Liner
“Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that  . . .’This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.'”

Thought for the day
“I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us” Romans 8:38-39 The Message

No matter what you’re going through, God and his love are right there with you.

That truth offers stability in any storm.

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school.”

“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

One Liner
Parental Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from the children.

Thought for the day
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me” Psalm 23:4 NIV

God’s presence is the greatest anchor in any situation.

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”

The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”

“A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

One Liner
Don’t trust anyone over 30 who used to say, “Don’t trust anyone over 30.”

Thought for the day
‘Master,’ Simon replied, ‘we worked hard all last night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again’” Luke 5:5 NLT

Simon Peter did what Jesus told him to do. He didn’t do it because it was a smart or popular idea. He did it because God said to do it. He didn’t argue or hesitate.

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This “Fire Help.” Me Groog.

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh.

You hit them together?

Ugh.

What happen?

Fire not work.

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing.

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto’s cave*

One Liner
I’ve been counting calories for six months now. I don’t know about my figure, but my arithmetic’s improving.

Thought for the day
“‘Master,’ Simon replied, ‘we worked hard all last night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again’” Luke 5:5 NLT

We all suffer setbacks at work from time to time. But sometimes the simplest step from setback to comeback is just two words: Obey God.