“After walking a little farther away from them, Jesus fell to the ground and prayed that, if possible, he would not have this time of suffering. He prayed, “Abba, Father! You can do all things. Take away this cup of suffering. But do what you want, not what I want.””
Mark 14:35-36 NCV
A bus load of politicians was traveling down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?” The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
One Liner
Resurrection life is certainly not a grave situation. Try it sometime.
Thought for the day
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” Timothy 3:16 NIV
That means the Bible isn’t just a good idea. It is God’s Word to us. So read and mediate on it daily.
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
“It’s a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “we decided to cook our own breakfast.”
One Liner
If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?
Thought for the day
“We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19 NIV).
When you say, “I don’t love God,” it’s because you don’t understand just how much he really loves you.
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words.
Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: “Pete died. Boat for sale.”
One Liner
Jack O’ Lantern:
An Irish pumpkin.
Thought for the day
“Do all your work in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14 TEV).
Not some … but all of your work should be done in love. The point is, any job can be turned into worship when it is built on the model of Christ’s love; that love is expressed to co-workers, clients, and customers.
It was young Anthony’s first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment.
The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel.
There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling.
Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder. “It’s tomorrow!” exclaimed the small boy.
One Liner
A teacher asked one of her pupils, “What’s the nation’s capital?”
The reply was, “Washington DC”
On being asked what the “DC” stood for, the pupil added, “Dot com!”
Thought for the day
“Thinking about your commands will keep me from doing some foolish thing” Psalm 119:6 CEV
If you’re thinking about God’s truth, you’re not thinking about the less important stuff.
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, but said to herself, “I don’t know how to use this.”
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes an old, beat-up motor motorcycle pulled up with a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, “This is what You sent to help me?” But she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his bike and asked if he could help.
She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her, please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you SO much! You are a very nice man.”
The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday – for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a professional!”
One Liner
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Thought for the day
“We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5 NCV).
We are not very good at capturing every thought and turning it to Christ, because it takes lots of practice. You can’t always control your circumstances, and you can’t even always control the way you feel. But you can control what you think about. That’s always your choice. And if you change the way you think, it changes the way you feel, and that will change the way you act.
Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.
“You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.” The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?”
The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but … will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”
One Liner
If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!
Thought for the day
“Honor God with your bodies” 1 Corinthians 6:20b
Our bodies were made for activity. In Bible times they didn’t have to exercise because they walked everywhere and did physical work. But today, you really only have two choices: fatigue or fitness. If you choose fitness, it has to involve regular exercise.
My face in the mirror
Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.
One Liner
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Thought for the day
“You made my body, Lord; now give me sense to heed your laws” Psalm 119:73
We all need a balanced diet. Thus choosing fruits and vegetables over chips and cookies will give us more sustained energy. We know what to do. We just need to do it
mikeshumor 