The Bandit

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll shoot you.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.

The Ranger asked a local to translated his message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger anxiously

The local answered, He say, “He no afraid to die!”

One Liner
They call it “golf” because all the other four-letter words were taken.  — Raymond Floyd

Thought for the day
“Be careful that none of you fails to respond to the grace which God gives, for if he does there can very easily spring up in him a bitter spirit which is not only bad in itself but can also poison the lives of many others”  Hebrews 12:15

Bitterness is contagious.  The only way to let go of your hurt is to get ahold of God’s grace. 

HOG HEAVEN

A man called the church office and said he would like talk to the “Hog Head” of the church.

The secretary responded, “If you mean the pastor, be respectful and call him Pastor, but he is not in right now. Can I help you?”

The man told her he was going to tell him he was about to give him a check for $10,000 for the building fund.

The secretary said immediately, “Wait a minute, Old Porkie just walked in.”

One Liner
A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.

Thought for the
“Our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action” 1 John 3:18

Mercy takes action where others take off. Mercy isn’t afraid to get its hands dirty. And Jesus calls every one of his followers to have the attitude of the Good Samaritan.

SAINTLY SON

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, “My son is such a saint.  He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself.  Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said.  “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” the second mother replied.  “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

One LINER
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after. 

Thought for the day 
“When a fool is annoyed, he quickly lets it be known. Smart people will ignore an insult” (Proverbs 12:16 GNT).

A wise person ignores an insult — Because they look behind the behavior to the pain. When you understand a person’s pain, it helps you respond with patience.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.  Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”

Tommy answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!”

One Liner
Definition of a committee: A group of the unworthy, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary.

Thought for the day
“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established” Proverbs 24:3

You’re wise with your money when you know where it is, where it’s going, and where it’s coming from.

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!”

One Liner
“Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.”‘

Thought for the day
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9 NIV).

Failure is never final. You’re never a failure until you quit, and it’s always too soon to quit!

EQUALITY

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.  My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”

She replied, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men.'”

One Liner
My daughter says I’m nosy. At least, that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Thought for the day
“I know that your love will last for all time, that your faithfulness is as permanent as the sky” Psalm 89:2 

There’s a limit to human love. It wears out. It dries up.  That’s why you have to have God’s love in all your relationships if they are going to last. God’s love never wears out. God’s love is patient, persistent, and persevering.