A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.

She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

He replied calmly, “Get the cat, and the tail, and we’ll take them to Wal-Mart.”

She was incredulous. “How could that possibly help?” she asked.

“Well,” he replied, “they’re the world’s largest retailer.”

One LINER
Don’t judge a book by its movie.

Thought for the day 
Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Where can we go when all the walls fall and all the armies crumble and all hope is lost? To the eternal God, who is our Father!!

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be wanted by…

..the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,

..the EPA for killing fig trees,

..the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

..the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,

..the NEA for teaching without a certificate,

..OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,

..the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea,

..the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life,

..and by the Zoning Dept. for building mansions without a permit.

One LINER  
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Thought for the day  
1 John 4:9
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.

The beginning of love is God. He showed his love in the most sacrificial of ways so we could know our incredible value to him.

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, “Mount Sainai Hospital? Hello, Darling. I’d like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don’t want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z.”

The voice on the other line said, “Would you hold the line please, that’s a very unusual request.”

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, “Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?”

She said, “Yes, darling! I’d like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302.”

He said, “Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg — Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o’clock.”

The woman said, “Thank God! That’s wonderful! She’s going home at twelve o’clock! I’m so happy to hear that. That’s wonderful news.”

The guy on the other end says, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family.”

She said, “What close family? I’m Sarah Finkel! My doctor don’t tell me nothing.”

One Liner
Political Procedure: Somebody speaks at length but says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

Thought for the day
“Ask and it shall be given, seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened” (Luke 11:9 NIV)

Ask, seek, knock—ASK. God wants you to learn to ask. Have you ever asked God for something and didn’t expect to get it? That’s why you didn’t get it 

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor for a test a month later. The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

One Liner
I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush. I’m going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.

Thought for the day
Taking bread, he blessed it, broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body, given for you. Eat it in my memory.” He did the same with the cup after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant written in my blood, blood poured out for you.” Luke 22:19-20 (Msg)

Jesus sets us free from ourselves; he sets us free from our fears; and he sets us free from our sin and our guilt. This is why we celebrate Easter! 

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appoinment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name when I was in school 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any notion that this might be the same person – this fat, balding gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.

After the examination. I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes,” he gleamed with pride, “I was a Mustang.”

“‘When did you graduate?” I asked.

“1975. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class.”

The old, bald fat man looked at me very close and asked “Really? What did you teach?”

One LINER
It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.

Thought for the day
Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand-new life, and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven (1 Peter 1:3–4 MSG).

You get your past forgiven, you get a purpose for livin’, and you get a home in heaven. What a deal! You’re past, present, and future are taken care of as you put your trust in Jesus. A fresh start! from Rick Warren

DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH

AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
1) Air conditioning.
2) Your receipt for attending services.

CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation’s range.

HYMN, RECESSIONAL:
The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

JONAH:
The original “Jaws” story.

MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

One LINER
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Thought for the day
Do not boast about [what you’re going to do] tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth. Proverbs 27:1 (NIV)

Timeless principles for uncertain future:
1.  Let God set your goals
2.  Live one day at a time
3.  Don’t procrastinate

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question:

“My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

One LINER
I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

In my joy and success, I need to learn to acknowledge him!

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?”

I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I’d say zero.”

He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”

One Liner
I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, “Help! Help!”

Thought for the day
But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.  James 1:22

Someone asked, “What’s the best translation of the Bible?”  The best translation is when you translate it into your life.  You become a Bible.  We’re either Bibles or we’re liables!

One morning, when my son was about 19 months, he saw me putting on a pale green face-mask. (Something I rarely do.)

“What ‘ou doin’?” he said.

“I’m putting on a face mask,” I replied.

“What it for?” he asked.

“It’s to make Mummy look more beautiful,” I told him.

He stood looking at me in that considering way that small children have, then said as gently as possible, “Well…it doesn’t.”

One LINER  
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Thought for the day 
Psalm 121:1-2
I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

The Final Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

One Liner
I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.

Thought for the day
Matthew 5:18, “For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished” (NIV).

Jesus says the Bible will last until the end of time!